The case of the woman who loved international crime fiction

Posted on May 13, 2013 by

The case of the woman who loved international crime fictionI’ve written before about my love of mystery fiction set in exotic places, an obsession that began in childhood. Some things never change, and these days my iPad is bursting with books written about people whose names I can’t pronounce, doing unsavoury things in places I’ve never heard of.

I’m a law-abiding person, and I like crime fiction because it takes me to a different world. International crime fiction does that and more. It’s the details that draw me in: those everyday asides about food, attitudes, history, and values that are even more compelling than the plots themselves. Reading outside my home culture is teaching me about other cultures, one bloodied corpse at a time.

Here are some of my favourite authors:

THAILAND: John Burdett, featuring Detective Sonchai Jitpleecheep of the Royal Thai Police

Burdett, a Brit who lives in Thailand, has written several police procedurals about the underbelly of its craziest city. Bangkok 8 is the first — and best — book in the series. I’m going to tell you right up front that the plots are lurid and more than a bit out-there, but like I said, I don’t really read these books for the crime and punishment.

Sonchai Jitpleecheep is half American, which is both a blessing and a curse. He’s also a devout Buddhist whose ongoing search for Enlightenment colours everything he does, sometimes clashing with his job requirements. He’s the most fully-realized character; the others — his corrupt superior, Colonel Vikorn, and his transsexual colleague Lek — are more one-dimensional, but that doesn’t detract from their entertainment value. His mother Nong, for example, is a former prostitute who owns a go-go bar. From her I learned more than I ever wanted about the Thai sex industry.

Sonchai has an endearing habit of addressing the reader directly. It’s a nice touch; I quite like being called farang (foreigner) and chided for my restrictive thinking. “Does it surprise you, farang, that a good ten per cent of the entities you see walking around in human form are not human at all?” he asks at one point. It actually surprises me very much, which is why I need Sonchai in my life.

IRELAND: Tana French, featuring the members of the Dublin Murder Squad

French is an Irish author who writes awesome psychological mysteries. No one-dimensional characters here; everyone who makes an appearance in her books is full of human complexity that’s revealed one layer at a time. The main protagonist is a Dublin homicide detective; the twist is that it’s a different one in every book. This not only keeps the series fresh, it forces us to constantly readjust our perceptions of each detective.

My favourite book in the series is Faithful Place, in which a cold case involving Detective Frank Mackey’s missing girlfriend suddenly warms up with the discovery of her suitcase, 20 years after she disappeared. Mackey’s life is turned upside down, throwing him back into the bosom of the dysfunctional family he fled many years ago. Good stuff.

SWEDEN: Camilla Läckberg, featuring Detective Patrik Hedström and his wife Erica Falck

Although I’ve dabbled in the works of Jo Nesbø, Henning Mankell, and of course, Stieg Larsson, Läckberg is my favourite among the Scandinavian mystery writers that seem to be multiplying like rabbits these days. She’s like a rock star in Sweden, where she’s sold more books than Mr. Larsson himself.

Her novels are set in the small fishing village of Fjällbacka, which suffers from a bad case of Murder She Wrote syndrome: it has a shockingly high murder rate for such a sleepy place. Despite all the killing and detecting, the heart of these books for me is the intimate look at the characters’ domestic lives. My favourites are The Ice Princess and The Stonecutter.

CHINA: Qui Xiaolong, featuring Chief Inspector Chen Cao

I think the crime angle in the Inspector Chen books is just an excuse for Qui to write about his real love: China. The title of his 8th book in the series is The Enigma of China, but that could be the subtitle of any of these novels. The pace is a bit slow, and the politics bore me, but I love the insider’s view of a culture that’s evolving at breakneck speed.

That’s a small sampling of what’s on my virtual bookshelf. What’s on yours?

Posted in Book review | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

What the missionary sector can teach us about handling re-entry

Posted on May 6, 2013 by

What the missionary sector can teach us about handling re-entryWouldn’t it be nice if the corporate world took care of its repatriates the way missionary folk do?

My family was lucky when we moved abroad: Chef Boyardee’s employer sent us to Singapore for a look-see visit, provided cross-cultural training and Mandarin lessons for the entire family, and arranged settling-in services once we’d arrived. It was wonderful.

When we returned home, however, the silence was deafening.

When Missionary Kids come home
My friend Heather, an adult MK (Missionary Kid), tells me that this is not the case in her ministry. Over fifteen years ago, the Assemblies of God realized that returning missionary families were sorely in need of guidance as they struggled to readjust to American life. They set up a fabulous programme (two actually: one for adults, another for children) to address that need.

For the past five years, Heather has been serving as one of the Re-Entry Youth Coordinators for returning MKs. The children descend on AOG’s Missouri headquarters for a three-day session, and… well, I’ll let Heather tell you the rest:

“We talk about leaving, transition, and entering: going from being settled, to chaos, to that place where the new normal starts to happen and you’re settled again. We let them know that whatever emotions they’re feeling — anger, arguing with parents, bursting into tears for no reason — it’s all normal.

The first day we talk about leaving: what is home, the RAFT cycle, that sort of thing. Days two and three are transition and entering, respectively. We talk about our memories by doing an exercise with backpacks. When you unpack your bags, what do you find: trash or treasure? Do you refill it, recycle it, or do you repack it?

We split them into small groups of 3-5 kids with a counsellor*. That’s really key. It gives them a safe space to express themselves, to vent if they need to. And we talk about expectations constantly, because it’s so important for a good re-entry. We do an exercise with elastic bands to illustrate that the further expectations are from reality, the more it hurts when reality snaps. I know it sounds awful [she laughs as she says this] but making it concrete like that really helps them get it.”

It’s all about the kids
Doesn’t that sound freakin’ awesome? Every aspect of the program is tailored to the ages of the children, with great care taken to use language and examples they understand — including Bible stories. “Ruth left everything she knew to go away with Naomi,” Heather says. “What was Ruth feeling? What was she thinking? The kids need to realize they’re not alone in this.”

Some of the children Heather works with have been in the field so long they don’t remember much about their homeland. For the ones who have been living in developing areas, the busy, hyper-commercialized society they return to is an assault on the senses. “The US is a foreign culture for them, so that’s the way we treat it,” she says. “We take them to an all-you-can-eat buffet, for example. There’s so much food, it’s overwhelming — especially for kids who’ve been living in places where food isn’t as abundant. They ask interesting questions: “Is the buffet timed? Is there a plate limit?” Most of them walk around in a daze — it’s a huge culture shock for them, and it’s fascinating to watch them process it.”

Paying it forward
Heather has a lot of empathy for these children, because she’s been there herself. She was a teenager living in Austria when repatriation turned her happy world upside down. Especially disturbing for her was the speed with which it all happened: her family was given just six weeks notice. “I was in the middle of my tenth grade year, and it was traumatic,” she says. “I wish I’d been able to go through a program like this. It would have been helpful to have those tools. That’s why I think it means so much to me to work with these kids, because I had such a difficult re-entry.”

The great reward for Heather is seeing her young charges give themselves over to the process and come out the other side whole and well-adjusted. Because she keeps in touch with many of them on Facebook, she’s able to watch their re-entry experiences unfold in real time. Last summer, she read something by a former attendee that made her day:

“I’m happy in both places, but of course I can’t live in two places at one time. No matter where I go, I’ll be happy, but I know I’ll never be 100% happy.”

“She’s accepted that weird dichotomy of wanting to be in the host country and the home country at the same time,” Heather says. “She’s made her peace with it. That’s why programs like this are so important.”

Like I said: Wouldn’t it be nice?

.

Heather introduced me to this rap video, made by and about MKs (and PKs: Preachers’ Kids). Enjoy!

* Note from Heather: Most of the counsellors are MKs themselves. It is truly a special place to be and be a part of!

* Note from Maria: For more information on the programme, check out the website of the International Society of Missionary Kids.

Posted in Repatriation | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Moving back home after living overseas

Posted on April 29, 2013 by

Moving back home after living overseas

As expatriate life draws to a close and the final phase in the expat cycle is about to begin, it’s normal to struggle with mixed feelings. Some expats dread the return to a “normal” life, while others are relieved their itinerant days will soon be behind them. Both groups are at risk for reverse culture shock: the disorienting feeling of being a foreigner in your homeland. The good news? You can lessen the effects of reverse culture shock with a two-pronged line of attack: preparing for re-entry while still in your host country, and following up with some practical steps once you’re back home.

The first few weeks back can feel like a typical home leave, especially if you’re not yet able to settle into a house of your own: the days may pass in a whirlwind of visiting, shopping, and fighting jetlag. But watch out — once this period of frantic activity passes, the reality of re-entry will start to sink in. It’s at this stage that you may begin to notice differences between the idealized “home” of memory and the not-so-ideal real life you’re actually living.

The lull before your household goods shipment arrives is the perfect time to begin the process of relearning your home culture. While you’re in this state of limbo — before the establishment of a permanent home makes the repatriation seem “official” — it’s also a good idea to revisit the strategies for re-entry you worked out before leaving your host country. (You did come up with a plan, didn’t you?)

Feathering your nest
Once your house is ready and your shipment has arrived, the hard work of creating a home can begin. Feathering the family nest is the first step in making everyone feel settled in the home culture. It signals that you’re starting to put down roots — a major change from the sometimes nomadic existence of many expat families.

Setting up a new home is an overwhelming job that can drag on for weeks (or longer.) According to Graebel International, however, faster is definitely better. In a 2005 Study of How to Help International Transferees Relocate, the international removals company reported that completing certain tasks made repats happier, faster.

Those who hung family photos early in the relocation process, for example,

“felt more settled, settled more quickly, and felt less stressed. Displaying photos seems to be an important component of feeling settled (along with the rather nuts and bolts tasks of unpacking boxes and arranging the furniture and kitchen.)”

Having visitors and engaging in hobbies soon after moving were also related to positive outcomes.

How to reintegrate into your home culture
A few more simple ideas for settling in:

  • Don’t rush. Are you a stay-at-home mom who’s considering returning to the workforce? Did you have to put your own career on hold while you were out there supporting your spouse’s? You might want to allow some time — at least a month or two — before jumping into a job search. Depending on the length of your career hiatus, you may need retraining, career counselling, or job search support. If you’re lucky, these services will be provided as part of your  organization’s relocation assistance policy. If not, consider them an investment in your future.
  • Keep well. The stress of re-entry can take a toll on your family’s wellbeing. Maintaining healthy habits — eating properly, getting adequate sleep, exercising regularly — are especially critical at this time.
  • Help the little ones. Kids need guidance throughout their reintegration journey. Establishing routines early in the process is particularly important for young children. Because school-aged kids face their own challenges, I recommend having a little chat with teachers and school administrators about your child’s expat history. A brief discussion about the issues surrounding Third Culture Kids should ensure everyone involved has realistic expectations, but you might want to follow up a few weeks down the road just to make sure the message got through. I tell you this from experience: all the good intentions in the world don’t amount to much if the information doesn’t trickle down to the people who need it.
  • Get engaged. If you’re not feeling as “at home” as you thought you would, get out into the community and see what transpires. Encourage everyone in your family to choose a leisure activity or hobby that connects them to your home culture in some way. Many returnees get so caught up in the logistics of settling in that they forget to make time for fun.

Maintaining ties with your former host culture
Reintegrating into your home culture and actively honouring the memory of your former host culture(s) are not mutually exclusive. Just because no-one wants to hear about your life abroad (sorry, but it’s true) doesn’t mean you have to erase all traces of it from your memory. Embracing your overseas experience adds richness to your life, and it’s easily done:

  • Stay connected. Eating food, watching movies, celebrating festivals, and above all, socializing with people from the host culture keeps it relevant.
  • Keep learning. Continuing to study the local language (or engaging in another activity that reflects your host culture) will keep that association alive.
  • Don’t forget to write. Making the effort to stay in touch with the friends you left behind strengthens those relationships and reinforces happy memories of expatriate life.

Rediscovering the culture of home — and your place in it — isn’t as effortless as you may expect. It’s a process, and like so many things in life, it can’t be rushed. You may not believe me, but I swear it’s true: if you give it time, there really is such a thing as a happy post-expat life.

A version of this article originally appeared on Suite101.com on May 11, 2010 © Maria Foley.
Posted in Adjustment, Repatriation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

7 tips on surviving home leave

Posted on April 22, 2013 by

7 tips on surviving home leaveIt’s almost that time again: the start of the annual expat migration back home. Some of you will be going home to stay… but we’ll talk about that another day. Today I’d like to focus on home leave instead.

Home leave is a divisive topic in the expat community. Some people love going back home; others hate it. My best friend Deb lived in Belfast for seven years, and relished the intensity of her visits back to Toronto. “I packed in everything I could,” she says. “Everybody wants to see you, and it’s vibrant and exciting, because you’re cramming all the visiting and running around into three weeks. I never felt like it was too much.”

Another friend, Alyson, simply can’t relate. She confesses to being overwhelmed by her hectic home leave routine, which involves “sixteen flights in three weeks (most in the US), sleeping on relatives’ and friends’ couches, [and] getting the kids over jet lag twice (Asia to US, then East to West coast).” Organizing each year’s expedition is a Herculean task she would rather avoid.

Avoiding home leave disaster is all in the planning. Here are four do’s and three don’ts for ensuring a more satisfying and relaxing trip back home:

Book a hotel room. Home leave isn’t cheap, and staying with family or friends may seem like an attractive alternative to the added expense of a hotel room. But oh, how this strategy can backfire, especially if children are involved. Fatigue and overexcitement lead to meltdowns, jetlag leads to erratic sleep schedules, and sharing living quarters may very well lead to damaged relationships. At some point in the trip, every expat needs a little space; the privacy afforded by a room of your own is well worth the hotel bill.

Spend quality time with loved ones. Expats often feel that they’ve “moved on” while everyone back home has “stayed still.” Simply asking friends and relatives about their lives will reveal that this isn’t true. Yeah, there might be some initial awkwardness as people figure out how to relate to you, but taking the time to nurture significant relationships is too important to skip.

Treat home leave as a family vacation. “There is no balance of everyone’s needs,” says Alyson. “We have to see everyone or our parents complain that we don’t love them enough.” Trying to please everybody has been the undoing of many an expat. When stress levels starts to mount, you’re better off withdrawing from the fray until things cool down again. Hang out with your spouse and kids and enjoy your holiday, just like normal families do.

Reconnect with your home culture. Doing things that can’t be done in your host country — whether it’s eating certain foods, playing popular sports, or some other culture-specific activity — is a big part of what home leave is all about. Cultivating that bond with your home culture is important in maintaining a strong cultural identity, especially for the kids. Alyson leapt at the chance to put her sons in a baseball day camp in Washington, DC; not only did it give her some precious time to herself, but “the kids had a great time doing something they can’t do in Singapore.”

Don’t do too much. Many expats spend their entire home leave running themselves ragged. “It’s insane,” agrees Alyson, who spends three weeks criss-crossing the country, trying to fit everybody in. “I’m not that keen on my relatives, so wasting my summer holiday shuttling around visiting them is not my idea of fun.” (I’m not sure if she’s kidding about her relatives, but she makes a good point.)

A less stressful alternative is throwing a party (or several) to reduce the number of visits and cut down on the amount of travelling. Even better is planning these gatherings before arriving back home. Alyson has opted to start skipping some family members altogether, noting (tongue firmly in cheek) that she doesn’t want to “add another stop to the Pain Train.”

Don’t be a braggart. Relocating overseas is a life-changing experience, and every expat has stories to share. Too bad not everyone wants to hear them. Returning expats often don’t realize that their enthusiasm for their new lifestyle can sound like bragging — especially if that new lifestyle involves exotic travel. The list of things to avoid includes showing endless photos of you riding elephants, dancing the Flamenco, or doing anything else that smacks of privilege; using expat-speak; and starting sentences with “As I said to the ambassador down at the club….”

But don’t complain, either. If life abroad is less than ideal, any complaints are best saved for the therapist’s couch. Friends and family likely won’t sympathize about your hassles with the maid — they’ll be too busy thinking how pretentious you’ve become.

A version of this article originally appeared on Suite101.com on April 30, 2010 © Maria Foley.
Posted in Adjustment | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Everything you ever wanted to know about expat support, but were afraid to ask

Posted on April 16, 2013 by

Everything you ever wanted to know about expat supportNorman Viss and Carol Van Dyken at the Expat Everyday Support Center have put together an Intercultural Blog Carnival with the theme Expat Support: What We Need, and How to Deliver It. It’s everything you ever wanted to know about expat support, all in one convenient place. Check out these posts:

Third Culture Kids
Cecilia Haynes, an ATCK who was born in Hong Kong and has lived in Calcutta, Taiwan, Beijing, New Delhi, Chennai, and Manila, writes movingly about the challenges of her (re)entry to the United States as child, and again as a teenager. That experience prompted her to get involved with Sea Change Mentoring, an organization that addresses the needs of repatriating Third Culture Kids and helps ease their transition to their passport culture.

Supporting your Children During Your Move
From Spain, Lisa Sadleir writes “Three Tips for Successfully Moving Abroad with Children,” and she gives great value for the money: not only are they awesome tips, but Lisa has tossed in a few bonus gems for free. As someone who moved her kids to a new country in the middle of the school year — twice — I love what she has to say about the importance of timing.

Why Trailing Spouses Can’t be Happy, and What International Companies Can Do About It
Anne Gillme writes a fascinating post about the challenges facing trailing spouses, and offers an unconventional and controversial solution. Whether you agree with her or not, there’s no denying her passion for the cause. You’ve got to read this one.

Sponsored Expat Support Groups
My coffee buddy Judy Rickatson looks at the trailing spouse issue from a slightly different angle, based on her experiences with sponsored support groups in Cairo and the UAE. She argues that corporate sponsorship of these groups is a win-win situation that makes a lot of sense for everyone involved. When I see what companies like Shell do for their expat families, I can’t help but agree. (While simultaneously gnashing my teeth with envy.)

Legal Issues to Consider When Moving Abroad
I’m thankful I never had to consider legal issues when I lived overseas, but those expats who aren’t sponsored by a multinational corporation will appreciate Wendy Newington’s post about the need for legal support in their host country. Most of the stuff she touches on would never cross my mind, but I’m going to file this away in case my next move doesn’t come courtesy of The Firm and its corporate safety net.

Overview of a Comprehensive Expat Support System
I’m a huge fan of the Cultural Detective Blog and Dianne Hofner Saphiere, creator of the Cultural Detective® series, is my hero. Here she offers an excellent overview of an expat support system, as well as a nifty little piece that explains the concept of intercultural competence through the metaphor of an athlete striving for peak fitness. What Dianne doesn’t know about the subject isn’t worth knowing.

Language Learning Is A Support Tool for Expats
I almost fainted when I read that Amanda speaks six languages, four of them fluently. When someone who’s accomplished that amazing feat gives advice on language learning, we should all stop what we’re doing and listen. Amanda believes that language is the key to understanding a culture. “It’s not just the words,” she writes, “it’s the philosophy, the cosmovision, the way of seeing life that you slowly start to understand, all of which are incredibly helpful in the process of adapting to a new country.”

The Minimalist Guide to Online Expat Support Podcast
Norman Viss, one of our hosts for this blog carnival, teamed up with Steffen Henkel of the crossculture.academy to present a webinar on the value of online expat support for HR managers as well as expats and their families. What’s not to love? Online support is convenient, economical, and most important, effective. The link to the webinar is at Expat Everyday Support Center.

Cross-cultural Training vs. Coaching: What are the Differences? How Can Both Be Used to Support Expats?
Claudia Landini had me nodding my head so much when I read her post, I’m actually a little dizzy. It’s beautifully written and full of nuggets like this: “Whereas cross-culture training courses start from the concept of a collective culture and address to individuals, coaching begins the journey focusing on personal histories and situations, and harmonizes them across the various cultures they get in contact with.”

Wait! Before Signing That Expat Contract, Ask What The Spouse Needs
This one’s mine. Thanks so much to Norman and Carol for putting me in such good company!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Do you have expat DNA?

Posted on April 10, 2013 by

I found this infographic this morning — what do you think?

Do You Have Expat DNA?

Infographic courtesy Feedbacq
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | 6 Comments

Bringing home the TCKs

Posted on April 3, 2013 by
Bringing home the TCKs

Photo: iStockphoto.com/ivanushka

Third Culture Kids are resilient creatures, but like adults, many find the move back to their passport country especially difficult. As parents, it’s our job to help them readjust. It takes preparation, patience and sensitivity, and I know from experience that it’s not always easy.

(While it’s normal for children to struggle with this final relocation, kids who have a worrying amount of trouble adjusting might benefit from professional counselling, preferably with a therapist familiar with Third Culture Kids.)

Grief is common among repatriating TCKs

Children aren’t always able to express their grief in ways that adults understand — they may not understand it themselves — but they have a right to mourn the end of the familiar. By not acknowledging children’s grief, parents send the message that their feelings aren’t important.

Sixteen-year-old Tarek has experienced eight international moves in the past decade. He fought bitterly with his mother when she announced they were moving back “home” to Egypt. “My home is Canada,” he told me emphatically. “I was angry that she was willing to let me be stranded where I didn’t want to be.”

In “Growing Up with a World View,” TCK expert Norma McCaig advises parents to deal with TCKs’ sadness and anger as it unfolds; allowing it to fester may lead to bitterness and depression down the road. Simply validating their feelings and allowing them to talk about the hurt is often enough.

Megan, a thirteen-year-old TCK, was initially distraught about her upcoming re-entry. “I felt that France was becoming my home instead of Canada, and it felt difficult to leave,” she says. “My parents let me be sad, but when we talked about it they reminded me we were moving back to where I spent the first six years of my life. And that made me feel better.”

Saying goodbye is crucial

McCaig writes about the significance of closure, calling it “a critical part of the journey” that many parents, caught up in their own emotions about leaving, fail to fully appreciate. The simple act of saying goodbye is a powerful first step toward healing. Allowing TCKs a final visit to take photos of beloved restaurants, parks, and other meaningful places is just as important as letting them say goodbye to cherished friends.

Megan produces a scrapbook bulging with photos, explaining, “My parents took us to the places we loved so we’d always have memories.” Tarek, however, defiantly rejected any such rituals before leaving Canada, because “there was no need to say goodbye — I knew I’d be coming back.”

As necessary as it is to discuss the pain of leaving, emotions can run high in the weeks leading up to the move. Taking part in a favourite family activity provides a welcome respite from pre-departure stress. Many parents plan a holiday as a bridge between the old life and the new: a time to relax and process all that’s happened before plunging into life as a repatriate.

It’s in the final days of expatriate life that “differences in cultures and expectations between parent and child become most apparent,” writes McCaig. “Parents returning to their country of origin are coming home; their children are leaving home.” Whatever parents are experiencing — happiness, dread, or a mixture of the two — they must recognize that it’s unlikely their children’s feelings will be an exact match.

Fitting in after moving back home isn’t easy

Once TCKs are back “home,” it soon becomes apparent they’re not like the other kids. McCaig refers to them as “hidden immigrants,” because although they look like their peers, their thought processes and values are often different. They don’t dress the “right” way, or pepper their speech with the “right” slang. They don’t understand pop culture references. Teenagers are particularly harsh judges, and for these failings, TCKs may be ridiculed or ostracized.

This is what happened to Tarek. “I got hassled a lot because I didn’t think like an Egyptian. They thought I’d been brainwashed and wanted to sort me out,” he says. “If I talked to a girl, her brother would give me a hard time. In Canada I have lots of friends who are girls, and it’s no big deal.”

Megan’s problems fitting in centred mostly around language usage. “I forgot some of the words we use here,” she confesses. “When I talked about getting my fringe cut, everyone asked ‘what’s that?’ because I didn’t use the word bangs. When I asked for a rubber in class, everyone was kind of puzzled because they say eraser.”

Repatriation is a difficult process, especially for teenagers. Living overseas changes their values and behaviours, and marks them as “different” when they return home. Parents can help by giving them time to integrate at their own pace, and by accepting that adjustment struggles and reverse culture shock are normal, especially in the early days.

Tarek wasn’t able to readjust to Egyptian life, and is happily living in Canada again. Megan, on the other hand, reacculturated with ease. “Now I’m glad I’m back,” she smiles, “because this is my home.”

This article originally appeared on Suite101.com on July 2, 2010 © Maria Foley.
Posted in Repatriation, Third Culture Kids | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

On expat blogging

Posted on March 25, 2013 by

I have dedicated my entire life to avoiding the horror of public speaking. When Judy Rickatson asked me to be part of a panel discussion on “Blogging for Expat Success” at this year’s FIGT conference, I was relieved to have a rock-solid excuse for saying no: a scheduling conflict meant I wasn’t able to attend.

I should’ve known that wouldn’t stop Judy. “No problem!” she replied briskly. “We’ll just pipe you in via Skype.”

Rats! Outmanoeuvred by someone smart enough to have a Plan B. ”Hurray,” I said weakly.

So this past Friday there I was, sitting at my computer and straining to hear the wisdom of Linda A. Janssen of Adventures in Expat Land, Rachel Yates of Defining Moves, Norman Viss of Expat Everyday Support Center, and Judy of Expatriate Life.

I wanted to post a clip or two of each panellist, but unfortunately the setup in the conference room proved too awkward for my Skype recorder to handle. So, my friends, aside from one fleeting glimpse of my fellow bloggers, you’re stuck with me prattling on about how easy it is to set up a blog, why blogging is good for the soul, and how I Was An Expat Wife saved me from a trip to The Big House.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 22 Comments

Easter for expats

Posted on March 18, 2013 by

Easter for expatsDo you ever feel like you’re living on a roller coaster? When I was an expat I careened from exhilarating highs to disheartening lows — sometimes in the same day.  And especially around the holidays, when heightened expectations and the ache of missing family and friends made for some stressful moments.

I’ve written before about the ingenuity required to recreate family traditions during St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, and Christmas. Of course it’s comforting to observe the familiar rituals you remember from back home, but that’s not always possible. It’s funny, though — it’s often what you do to fill in the gaps that make these times so special, not what you’ve been forced to leave out.

Doing Easter the fusion way

Although it might seem that time-honoured traditions are carved in stone, they actually evolve and adapt to new circumstances, much like successful expats do. Easter is a case in point. It’s observed in much of the the world, but probably not exactly the way you’re used to. Even minor differences can come as a shock if you’re not prepared for them.

When Easter bears little resemblance to the holiday you know and love — or isn’t acknowledged at all in your host country — you may feel as though it’s lost its meaning. You might even decide to skip it entirely, but that would be a mistake. When you celebrate occasions like this together, you’re cementing your bond as a family. These holiday traditions are too important to turn your back on, even when your changed circumstances mean they’ve been stitched together like Frankenstein’s monster.

The key to creating a fusion here/there Easter celebration is to incorporate whatever time-honoured customs you can, and improvise the rest. For example, if a turkey dinner is a significant part of Easter for you but turkeys are scarce where you live, there’s a simple solution: eat something else.

It might feel like sacrilege, but I promise it won’t matter as much as you think it will. Although tradition is a wonderful thing, we sometimes get so caught up in honouring it that we lose sight of what really matters. Let’s put it this way — what’s more important: the turkey, or sharing a special meal with loved ones?

Exactly.

The two sides of Easter 

If you’re hesitant to worship in your new country because the language or customs are unfamiliar, I urge you to take a deep breath, put on your Sunday best, and get yourself to church. Attending an Easter service or mass is a good idea for two reasons: it allows you to express your religious identity, and it helps you integrate into the local Christian community. Letting differences keep you from sharing the most joyous day of the year with fellow Christians would be a shame, don’t you think?

It’s not just the religious side of Easter that can be disorienting; the secular side may be a little dissimilar as well. Either way, it’s a good idea to make your children aware of any changes ahead of time. The younger they are, the more time they’ll need to adjust their expectations.

My kids worried that the Easter Bunny wouldn’t know where to find them after we moved to Singapore. This is a pretty common concern, especially with a first move. A little parental reassurance (and in my case, some last-minute scrambling) goes a long way toward calming their fears.

Easter is a celebration of new beginnings

Easter is a holiday that rejoices in the symbolism of new beginnings. For expats — whose lives are a series of new beginnings — it’s an ideal time to reflect on the present and look ahead to the future.

Even though a measure of creativity may be required to pull it off, a special family Easter can be yours no matter where in the world you are. It may be observed differently (or not at all) in your host country, but like all flexible expats, you’ll figure out how to adapt your traditions to the circumstances — perhaps mixing in some local customs to create a unique hybrid version of the holiday. These new Easter traditions might even become so entrenched in your family’s psyche that they endure for generations to come.

And if this is your first Easter, I hope you’ll try to experience some of this wonderful holiday and perhaps create some new traditions of your own. May they all involve chocolate.

A version of this article originally appeared on Suite101.com on March 18, 2010 © Maria Foley.
Posted in Adjustment, Identity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wait! Before signing that expat contract, ask what the spouse needs

Posted on March 11, 2013 by
Wait! Before signing that expat contract, ask what the spouse needs

Can we talk?

When Benjamin Franklin remarked that nothing is certain in life but death and taxes, he clearly wasn’t thinking ahead to 21st century global mobility. I hope I’m not stepping on BFrank’s toes when I point out another certainty he failed to mention:  Sending a manager on an overseas assignment ain’t cheap.

Mindful of the costs associated with assignment failure and hoping to increase their return on investment, firms are being much more selective these days about who they send. They’re priming their expats for success by pre-screening candidates using psychological assessment tools, offering cross-cultural training, and providing attractive (but no longer crazy-extravagant) expat packages.

What’s missing from this picture? The spouses, of course. It’s mind-boggling that many companies don’t ask for their input into a process that will forever change their lives and those of their families. In fact, far too many firms still don’t communicate directly with the spouse at all.

Keeping them out of the loop is just plain dumb. We all know the statistics: spousal dissatisfaction is way up there on the list of reasons assignments end early. It doesn’t have to be this way. Most expat spouses aren’t asking for the moon; they just want a few basic needs to be met:

Clear and direct communication from HR. Expat expert Robin Pascoe, who partnered with AMJ Campbell International to conduct the relocation survey “Family Matters!” found a “desperate need” among expat spouses for clear, regular communication from HR regarding all aspects of the international assignment. Not content to be the silent partner of yesteryear, spouses are insisting on a direct line to HR, bypassing the traditional chain of command which involves the manager as the go-between.

Input into the decisions that will affect their life abroad. Despite all those studies reaffirming that the spouse’s satisfaction can make or break the assignment, most are never asked by HR if they’re happy about the move. Big mistake, according to Dr. Anne P. Copeland of The Interchange Institute. In the “Many Women Many Voices” Study of Accompanying Spouses Around the World (conducted by Dr. Copeland and commissioned by Prudential Financial), she urges sponsoring organizations to consult spouses before the offer is made. Makes sense, right? No point having a chat about expectations six months into the assignment, by which time the spouse may already be BFFs with Ben & Jerry and Jack Daniels. You can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube, people.

Help with employment (or alternatives). Enlightened organizations know it’s in their best interests to support the accompanying spouse in this new role, whatever form it may take. If the spouse is able to work in the foreign location, this support may extend to assistance getting a work permit, translating relevant documentation, updating a CV, and providing guidance during a job search. If work isn’t an option, how about an educational allowance, or assistance starting a business? Spending a little $£¥€ now could save a bundle later.

A look-see visit. No amount of online research can take the place of a trip to the host country. A look-see isn’t a sightseeing jaunt; it’s an opportunity to assess the fit between the candidates and the host country. Smart organizations view it as a necessary expense. Why? Because it leads to an informed decision about something that will significantly affect the lives of the expat family and the company’s bottom line.

I haven’t mentioned such things as house-hunting assistance, language lessons, and school tuition because these are generally included in expat packages. I’m sure I’ve overlooked a few spousal needs, though. What would be on your list?

A longer version of this article appeared on Suite101.com on May 23, 2010 © Maria Foley.

Posted in Predeparture | Tagged , , , , , , | 18 Comments