Jeff Foxworthy is an American comedian who rose to fame with his “you might be a redneck” shtick. (Example: If you own a home that’s mobile and 5 cars that aren’t, you might be a redneck.)
Rumour has it that a couple of years ago, at a show in Windsor (Canada), he added some Canadian content to his act. I can’t find anything about this on YouTube, which makes me doubt the veracity of this story. (This is the existential question of our time: If it’s not on YouTube, did it really happen?) However, I found these jokes on the Internet — which means they must be authentic, right? — and after reading them, I’m a little worried about the legitimacy of my claim to be Canadian.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.
Yeah, I get it — we Canadians are nice people. Everyone says so, so it must be true. But this has never happened to me. I mean ever — even people who actually work at Home Depot have never offered me assistance. I usually have to troll the aisles to find a live one.
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
Oh, come on — we’re not that nice.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
This is absolutely true. Montreal is only 6 hours away by car, for example. Vancouver is a 5-hour flight. Who knows what the actual distances are? Who cares? Far is far.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.
I’ve never even seen a deer outside a zoo. Anybody out there hit one? Even once? [sound of crickets]
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km/hr but you’re going 95 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
Are we fast drivers? I’ve never heard this about Canadians. The highways around here are marked 100 km/hr but I usually do 110-120. And I do get passed, but certainly not by everybody.
If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
Now you’re just being silly.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
During raging blizzards, I stay home where it’s safe. During the non-raging variety, I drive, but I flinch. Oh, how I flinch.
If you find -2 degrees “a little chilly,” you may live in Canada.
Not exactly. Anything below zero I consider to be officially cold. Having said that, if it’s a sunny day and my hair is behaving and I’m in a good mood, sure, I guess -2 could be a little chilly.
If you know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid’s Hallowe’en costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
This one made me laugh, because it’s spot on. One year I went trick-or-treating dressed as a Native Canadian because I’d found a vaguely native-looking blanket I was able to wrap around me as part of my costume. It kept me toasty warm, as I recall. These days I see so many Cinderellas come to my door on Hallowe’en with beautiful, elaborate princess gowns peeking out from beneath down-filled coats. One little darling had her tiara pinned to the outside of her toque. It kills the magic, just a little. But that toque-tiara is totally Canadian, eh?